Editor, White Cover Magazine
I hope you can forgive me.
Women, I hope you can forgive me for phoning this one in. I just don’t have the energy to sit through three hours of Chris Harrison’s best work (which is the equivalent to everyone else’s lesser work, unless you’re counting the housewives and their rapidly getting-dumber daughters they brought in tow) and then document the whole thing in a LIVE BLOG! LIVE BLOG! LIVE BLOG! like I did for last year’s finale.
Men, I hope you can forgiving me for even spending the minimum amount of time for this, and for actually getting a little tape worm of excitement when 5:01 hit and I realized it was all beginning. (“THE FINALE?!?! OMG!!!”)
So, no… I’m not writing a LIVE BLOG! in the traditional sense. I don’t want to spend the next three hours forcing hate and People magazine-(un)inspired puns out of a brain that I once thought was destined for much greater things.
I’m simply going to make bullet points and post them all up after the finale, not during.
F*ck it. Let’s start:
5:01 p.m. — Dammit, Chris Harrison. You are such a prick, but you don’t even care, do you?
5:03 p.m — Sean’s nephew just made fun of him for getting dumped by Emily Maynard on live television and then laughed like he was punched in the gut. I don’t know how to explain the awesomeness, but it was there.
5:08 p.m. — Catherine fits in with Sean’s family really well, because she looks just like them.
5:12 p.m. — Sean’s dad asks Catherine, “How do you know if you’re in love before you get married?” I feel like that was less of a probe and more the case of someone religious just being extremely curious of the secular world. The thought of love that wasn’t pre-planned by the Big Guy upstairs must just be so foreign to these people, and yet they’re probably so infatuated with it. He may as well have asked, “Oral sex… what’s that like?!?” and then followed it up with a session of self-loathing masturbation in front of a Mexican donkey show… like this guy.
5:19 p.m. — Lindsay’s meeting his parents now. I still haven’t figured this out: do the producers let the front runner go first, or second, and how hard is it for the family to pretend to be excited to meet the second girl if they already know their kid isn’t picking her? I mean, Catherine and her dad shared a cry. That’s deep, bro. Also, Lindsay’s name name is Yenter. YENTER. While it would be nice for her to be able to ditch that title and trade it for ‘Lowe’, how can you commit to someone with that last name? I don’t even know what nationality it is.
Giudici, though. That’s a winner.
5:22 p.m. — Oh, crap. Lindsay’s crying now, too. It’s too bad Sean’s dad wasn’t evil. He could do some serious damage. He’s like L. Ron Hubbard, but he’s full of emotion and not sh*t.
5:25 p.m. — Lindsay’s crying all over the place. The last time Thailand saw this much water, it was from a tsunami. (Sorry.)
5:32 p.m. — “You don’t need to be proposing to either one of them,” says Sean’s mother, to Sean. Dammit, woman! Why are you trying to be all logical? There’s no room for that kind of talk on The Bachelor. You should never let reason or rationale get in the way of a marriage.
(Also, why hasn’t a crew of ABC brown shirts rushed out to silence her, The Majestic-style?)
5:42 p.m. — Sean and Lindsay are floating down the river in one of those straw boats. They’re thinking really deeply about things and trying to pass the time with small talk and giggles. It’s kind of like The Hangover: Part II, only better. (Sorry, Wolfpack.)
5:43 p.m. — Lindsay is gushing because she says her and Sean can “be serious” and then they “can be goofy”. It would be really unique, if only you didn’t hear the other girl say that every episode, too.
5:49 p.m. — Lindsay says, “I’m getting to the point… where I’m so happy with Sean, I’m having trouble coming up with words to describe it.”
5:50 p.m. — Lindsay should just probably have sex with him while she still has a chance. Oh, right…
5:53 p.m. — They’re letting those flying Thai lanterns into the sky now. Dammit, Hangover 2! Why can’t I forget you?
5:54 p.m. — Lindsay says, “It’s so exciting to be close to your dreams” and then follows it up with “I feel like this night has been 24 years in the making.” Am I the only one who heard every feminist in the world smack themselves in the forehead?
6:09 p.m. — Catherine. In black. In bad lighting. I love it.
6:12 p.m. — “It’s really hard to be emotional,” Catherine says, while being completely practical.
6:13 p.m. — Sean, whenever I’ve had to choose between two women (I swear to God, it’s happened), I remember what Ross told Chandler about Julie in Season 2 of Friends. “She’s not Rachel.” (Yeah, you like that, ladies?)
6:15 p.m. — Catherine told Sean she loved him, and he followed the rules of the show (as in, he didn’t say it back). She’s upset. To be fair, though, he did grab her butt.
6:18 p.m. — The answers from this live crowd of women are incredible.
Chris: “If you say, I love you, and all you hear back is, Thank you for today… That’s not what you want to hear, is it?”
Blonde Chick Who Fell Asleep in a Tanning Bed: “No, it’s not.”
Thank you for that.
Although, Chris must feel lucky. Those people still give better interviews than he would have had when he was a sports reporter:
6:23 p.m. — “Today’s the day my life changes drastically,” says Sean. You mean, because you won’t be on television anymore?
6:26 p.m. — “It doesn’t get any bigger than today,” says Lindsay. “This could be the day that I get engaged.”
Don’t worry. It’s not.
6:42 — (Sorry. I just decided to skip that whole Let’s See What Sean’s Rejects Think bit. I thought it got a little shallow…)
6:44 p.m. — Hmm. Lindsay’s up first. That’s never a good sign, is it? (Also, since when does she have a foot tattoo? If this guy wasn’t a virgin, I’d say he changes his mind and picks her once he sees that.)
6:45 p.m. — Sean leads his speech to Lindsay off with, “You… were such a surprise.”
Just what every girl wants to hear, I assume?
6:46 p.m. — Sean turns Lindsay down. She looks like she didn’t expect it. 20 bucks says Desiree’s brother still tries to kill him…
6:47 p.m. — “I love you,” Sean tells her. “I do. That’s the hardest part. I know I do.”
Dude, just shut up…
She responds with, “Stop. Just stop. Was it me?”
Yeah. 24 is a tough age.
6:49 p.m. — Huh. She handled that pretty well. Good thing she has God and the Army to fall back on.
6:50 p.m. — “I know this feeling,” she says in the Mitsubishi ride home. “I’ve felt it a hundred times.”
Wow. That’s really too many…
6:52 p.m. — “I just wanna’ grow old with somebody,” she says. Again, being 24 is tough.
6:53 p.m. — The women in The Bachelor’s live show audience have the same reactions to commercial breaks and cliffhangers as the Capa Canaveral crew had during Apollo 13:
7:00 p.m. — It’s nice that Catherine recorded herself reading that letter before this episode actually occurred. That was nice and confident. Either that, or Chris Harrison does a wicked Catherine impression.
7:03 p.m. — A real proposal, eh? That’s impressive, but I think Seattle lost a good one there.
7:04 p.m. — Catherine just said, “You look so handsome” while hyperventilating, and I’m pretty sure he responded with, “I know.”