Naked Hippies and Mommy Mode: Blogging Episode 2 of Juan Pablo’s ‘The Bachelor’


*A few samples from Episode 2 of the 2014 version of The Bachelor, a show that lets a former soccer player and single dad (in case you watched it and didn’t hear the 49 times they brought that up) named Juan Pablo as he traverses the vast frontier that is 27 women picked from VHS auditions sent to ABC’s head office…


No real disrespect to Clare. She’s pretty and all, she’s okay with the two-person luge and subsequent flirty wipeout, and she sort of sounds like Minka Kelly when she says vowels or one-syllable words.

But, she talks. A LOT.

“Where in the world… are we?!”

“I have NO clue what we’re doing!!”

Yeah, kiddo. That’s the point of a blind fold.

“All of a sudden… our own little private concert!”

Okay, if you’re shocked that a one-on-one date would turn into a live music show, you’ve never actually watched the show, have you?


These women, I’ll assume, have decent taste in some things. Clothes and hair and what not. But not one of them appreciated Juan Pablo’s Tesla. Tres disappointing.


I have nothing to say about that “rave party” date with what’s her name, Kat?

Yup, nothing to say. Except the very obvious…

There are actually raves in Utah?

I had to bring it up. Not bringing it up would be like watching a nationally televised awards show tribute to Woody Allen without mentioning his long and very creepy sexual history… Oh, that happened.


I give Andi full credit for going buck naked in that Dog PSA, or whatever it was. One, because that Elise chick bailed and passed it off to the (I’ll assume) Lumineers fan.

But, two, I have this feeling that someone sees a beautiful woman all nervous about getting naked and they think, “What’s the big deal?” But then you realize, everyone’s sensitive about something, and most of these women spend weeks debating whether or not to tell the guy about petty things like their past relationships, or about how they own a dog, or something. And then I realize, “What if I had to show my hairy ass on a second date with someone while I sat on the floor and tried to suck in my stomach? And it would be on national television?”

Full props. And yeah, I got deep. I’m capable of it.


“That’s what life is about. Straddling people. And things.”

And here I thought Snooki would forever be the most quotable hurricane of wine + estrogen on reality television. Congrats to our faithfully departed Victoria for creating a t-shirt/entering Brent Musburger status.


Woman are terrible. Just awful.

Okay, that Victoria chick got super drunk and embarrassed herself. But that’s punishment enough, right? (And yes, I can call her a chick, because she was a little nuts. Like, the Roxy nightclub on a Tuesday nuts.)

Okay, maybe some women will make fun of her. Because they’re women. (Again, just awful. They’re like wolves who are consistently noticing the weakest of the pack until only one is left un-eaten.)

But then wasted Victoria had to put up with a couple of her combatants entering full Mommy mode, with Nurse Nikki treating her like she was one of her childish patients (childish because her patients are actually children) and with Renee realizing that, as a 32-year-old, it was her duty to coddle and cuddle her, maybe burp her through the night.

Watching women on The Bachelor “help” each other out is like watching Walter White “help” Jesse Pinkman.


Remember a few years ago when one contestant would have a son or daughter, and it was the biggest deal in the world? There was this whole issue to confront and this sensitive line to tow.

Now, it’s like you can’t be The Bachelor unless you have a daughter, you can’t be The Bachelorette unless you have a son or daughter, and you can’t win as a contestant unless you either have a child or you are still a child. In Episode 2, we had Cassandra breaking into tears because she missed her son/daughter (and had full, London Drugs-sized developed photos of him/her in her purse?) while Renee consoled her. And then Juan Pablo came along and cared about it.

This storyline has gone from the being the elephant in the room to being the whole damn circus. Over it.


When Clare got a rose, she said it showed there was a real connection between her and Juan Pablo.

She must have been heartbroken by the end of the episode, when he had a real connection with 14 others.


Amy: “I’m actually a reporter, so.”

Me: “You mean… a weather reporter, right?”


Everyone lost their minds when Lucy went naked basically everywhere. In the hot tub. In the photo shoot, and by choice. (She volunteered as tribute for that sh*t. We should call her Katniss from now on.) And she walked naked around the streets of Los Angeles, probably just around the block where they filmed the group date.

But I’m still insanely creeped out by her Great White Shark eyes. SHE HAS NO PUPILS. And she spent the entire episode in her birthday suit and made a weird, underwater/sonar sound when her name was called by Chris Harrison… again, both things that sharks do.

Tell me you don’t want to grab a drysuit, hop in a yellow cage, and watch this swim towards you before it bangs its nose on your container:

(GIF from
(GIF from