by Kolby Solinsky
White Cover Magazine — Editor and Founder
*The following is a Live Blog of Thursday night’s Season 6 premiere of Jersey Shore. It is often sarcastic and pitifully witty. As in, it’s not witty. It will not make fun of Italian Americans. But, it will make fun of Italian Americans. (Don’t worry, Italy. I got love for you, baby.)
Refresh this page every 10 minutes, or every commercial break.
6:50 — No lie, for the past two hours, MTV has been airing a TV show called Jersey Shore: Shark Attack. It sounds so stupid, but they all die. So, it’s okay.
6:51 — Fun fact: I watched The U yesterday. Worth it.
6:52 — Broke is now on YouTube. Sorry, I’m just getting all the good TV shows out of the way before I get sucked into a world of spray tans, stuffed crust pizza, and praise for their mamas. Just kidding. The tans are real.
(*Note: The mom in that Goodfellas video is Martin Scorsese’s real mother.)
6:54 — How do you know the Jersey Shore cast aren’t real Italians? They haven’t said the word “Sinatra” once.
6:55 — (If I’m slow on the updates, I apologize. I have an awful work computer. Like, London Drugs awful.)
6:56 — Suddenly, I’m realizing this will be a long two hours.
6:57 — I will say, the end of this Jersey Shore: Shark Attack is quite moving. Vinny is a TV anchor from Seaside Heights, and a “Juice Monkey” just fell in love with a “Guidette.” Also, I’m pretty sure Tag Romney is one of the bad guys…
6:58 — How did Vinny get this girl?
6:59 — Dammit. 60 seconds away.
7:00 — Wow. Right on time. What is this, a baseball game? “7:05 at Safeco Field, Mariners taking on the Angels…”
7:01 — Could they have at least updated the intro segment for the sixth season? They all look 14. They still act like they’re 11, but they look 14.
7:02 — Mike the Situation went to rehab for prescription pills… is it bad to make a joke?
7:03 — No, it’s not. Also, Snooki just made a joke about miscarriages. Political correctness is out the window, bra.
7:03 — Why do they still live in these homes? Don’t they have money?
7:04 — “I just don’t wanna be around drinking because it really upsets me,” says pregnant Snooki. That kid has no chance.
7:04 — “I’m still gonna be there, in spirit,” she continues. Yeah, and in person.
7:05 — Apparently Mike’s rehab didn’t cure his style. A white Jeep?
7:06 — The Situation just tried to pronounce the word “put”. He said poot.
7:07 — Dear Snooki…. if you talk on your cell phone in the car, it’s still illegal. Even if you have it on speaker phone and you’re holding it right up to your mouth. #It’sTheSameAsYourEar
7:18 — Good call with the Mumford and Sons toss-in there. Nice job, MTV. Really putting the ‘M’ in your channel name.
7:18 — The Situation is bragging about being addicted to pills. “I almost didn’t make it back to real life.” Does that explain the Donald Trump Roast?
7:19 — “Deena’s looking pretty good,” said The Situation. Is she?
7:19 — Pauly D looks like a coyote. His hair makes him look like a cold coyote.
7:20 — “Seeing Mike healthy and happy. He’s that person again,” says Pauly. No joke. That’s just what he said.
7:21 — Ronnie and Sam walked in, and they immediately wonder what Mike’s up to. Christ, why am I watching this?
7:22 — Ronnie says it took him “six fu**ing summers” to finally have his own room with Sam. Actually, Jersey Shore premiered in 2009.
7:23 — Snooki pulled up in a black car with pink lining and a dog that looks like it should be punched. Someone needs to deport these people. Even if it’s to Delaware. (They’ll think it’s a new country.)
7:24 — Okay, was this pill addiction hidden during the entire taping of the show? That would have added a lot of excitement to three years of working at a t-shirt shop.
7:27 — That Red Dawn trailer was the best part of this episode.
7:27 — No, actually, this “bad herpes scar” advertisement is the best part of this episode. Old people must not understand MTV.
7:28 — I just realized that Snooki’s black and pink beast of an SUV is actually a Honda Ridgeline. #PartyFoul
7:29 — “It would be nice if somebody came out and said, ‘Yo, Mike. Can I flip a sausage for you, Dog?'” He’s back.
7:30 — Snooki and Deena are musing about not drinking or having sex. You can hear the withdrawal through the TV set from eight provinces and four states away.
7:31 — Pauly D says it’s good to see Mike change. He might be the only sincere one on this show. #HairSpray
7:31 — Mike says he quit the “hard sh*t.” Please… why can’t you tell us what you mean?
7:32 — They’ve resorted to reminiscing about their first summer in Seaside. Suddenly, they sound like the 40-year-old guys in Friday Night Lights who talk about their senior year in the parking lot of Buddy Garrity’s car dealership.
7:32 — Mike apologized, and they forgive him. Well, except for Snooki. “I could forgive Mike, but I’ll never forget it.” That was actually deep. At least, it was deep in comparison to, “I love pickles.”
7:33 — Ronnie asked out loud if they should congratulate Snooki for being “knocked up.” Out loud.
7:35 — Quick poll question: What’s cooler, Plaid Pyjama Pants or the Milwaukee Brewers?
7:36 — Pitch Perfect will either be a really funny movie, or a negative effect of the success of Bridesmaids. Oh well. It still has Anna Kendrick.
7:37 — This Danny guys is such a loser. He actually has a job. Yuck.
7:37 — The Situation is dressed in an all-red sweatsuit. He looks like a hitch hiker who was picked up by Manny Pacquiao.
7:38 — The Situation keeps talking about staying clean and sober. Again, is this a real addiction, or is it like when guys try to not masturbate for over a week?
7:39 — This show has been on for 39 minutes and I swear meatball hasn’t been said yet. Some drinking game…
7:40 — “I’m restricted,” Snooki says while she watches everyone work out. She sounds happy.
7:40 — I just realized these guys still drive an Escalade. They must listen to Ja Rule, too.
7:41 — Sudden realization: if these girls were in a bar, would you go for any of them?
7:42 — Deena’s crying at the lunch table. Did she not get enough ketchup?
7:42 — Commercial again, and a preview of the rest of the episode. I cannot wait for Vinny to say, “What’s up? I banged your girl.”
7:43 — What if Quizno’s used Subway’s mayonnaise? #WinningIdea
7:45 — Deena’s still crying…
7:45 — Deena misses her boyfriend. That’s why she’s crying. They’re all consoling her. Reluctantly.
7:46 — Sammy makes a joke about Deena getting her period, and Deena laughs. The girl has more temper tantrums than a five year old who wakes up in the middle of a drive to grandma and grandpa’s house.
7:47 — Snooki is going on a date. I really up she doesn’t her own reality show spin-off. Wait, what?!
7:47 — Deena fell through the hammock and then faked laughing at herself so she wouldn’t be embarrassed. It’s like when I didn’t know who Avicii is and I was in a crowd of undergrad students.
7:48 — Snooki is talking about trying to balance her sex drive with being gassy. You know, from the pregnancy. She actually sounds more appealing than she did in 2009.
7:50 — Give Gionni bonus points. He just walked through that whole restaurant and didn’t let go of her hand the whole time. He did tell her to shut up at the end, though.
7:51 — Who’s more heartbroken over Snooki’s marriage: Drunk Vinny or Sober Deena? #FMK
7:52 — Snooki is upset about being at a restaurant while everyone else is going to Karma. That’s bad karma.
7:52 — Snooki is having a mental debate about whether to go to Karma while pregnant, and she admits that if she goes, she’ll want to drink. I don’t understand how this is up for debate…
7:53 — I’m muting these commercials. I can only watch the Pitch Perfect trailer so many times… also, I want to get some chamomile tea. #That’sNotGangsta
7:56 — Snooki doesn’t want to be a pregnant girl in a club. That’s good call. “I can’t have old, pregnant bi**hes running around.” – Knocked Up
7:58 — Another commercial? I just sat down with my tea…
8:01 — Deena says her boyfriend is the best thing that’s ever happened to her. Not that he has any competition, or anything.
8:02 — Why didn’t they just re-air the Miami season? This is the most boring reality program of all-time. This is as over-hyped as All-American Muslim.
8:03 — I know Jionni is trying. He just has too much common sense for this show.
8:03 — The Situation says he missed MVP. Tick tock goes the rehab clock.
8:04 — Ronnie and Sam are arguing. She’s crossing her arms, pulling her air, and giving him the angry smoker’s voice. She just dropped an F Bomb. My God, she’s just like Grace Kelly…
8:05 — Ronnie and Sam have gotten into an average of 2.4 fights per episode, over the course of six seasons. Yet, neither one of them has ever punched the camera man. Ronnie and Sam, 1. Randy Johnson, 0.
8:08 — The just showed a quick clip of the Black Keys playing “Little Black Submarines”. 30 seconds of that and the Mumford and Sons clip from earlier have trounced the other 69.5 minutes of this show.
8:10 — It’s nice to see Ronnie and Sam are back to their old tricks. It would have been a shame if they had worked out. It would be like getting an enjoyable Salisbury Steak at Denny’s.
8:10 — The Situation realizes he wasn’t making “good decisions” when he used to drink. Good thing that’s how he met his current girlfriend.
8:11 — 9 o’clock. You couldn’t come sooner…
8:11 — Deena sees Vinny talking to her boyfriend, Chris, and immediately wonders whether he’s being mean to him. This is why these people can’t function in normal society.
8:12 — “I just feel like he’s doing it on purpose,” Deena says to Chris, about Vinny. Well, he probably is, yes.
8:12 — If this Chris guy isn’t imagining climbing in a plane and fleeing to Switzerland right now, I’d lost a lot of respect for him.
8:13 — Deena’s crying again. God, I hate this woman...
8:16 — Deena says she’s having an identity crisis. I don’t think she knows what that means.
8:17 — Deena is happy now.
8:19 — Deena is crying again.
8:20 — Who has more mood swings, Deena or Julianne Moore in Crazy, Stupid Love?
8:20 — “Alls I wanna’ do is cuddle with him,” Deena says, as her boyfriend leaves. Alls.
8:21 — Vinny consoles Deena and she laughs at herself again.
8:21 — Ronnie just flew down the stairs on his stomach, or back, or side. I raised my eyebrow slightly.
8:22 — Snoop Doog: “All white people who act black look alike to me.” Meanwhile, The Situation is talking about something called The Swag Handbook.
8:22 — Mike was better at kicking girls out of the Shore House when he was “high”.
8:23 — What’s more exciting, this episode or a ride on a SkyTrain?
8:25 — One of the gay guys on the After Show panel just made a Helen Keller joke. Take that as you will…
8:25 — Something tells me the Jersey Shore‘s audience is mostly female. The “something” is the fact that there was just an Under Armour sports bra ad.
8:26 — Paranormal Activity 4 Trailer: It’s another point-of-view camcorder horror film. How come nobody ever mentions how influential The Blair Witch Project was? Maybe the most underrated movie of the last 25 years?
8:27 — “Now I wake up and I piss excellence,” says The Situation. That line alone was worth the rehab.
8:28 — I’m now remembering that Bill Simmons line from 2010, comparing Jersey Shore to the NFL Playoffs: “Vinny is like the Seattle Seahawks. At first, I wondered why they’re here. Now, I can’t imagine it without them.”
(That was paraphrased.)
8:29 — Snooki wants to get a beer. Over/Under on the amount of episodes before she gets wasted and delivers in a jail cell: two.
8:30 — Ronnie says he must have fallen last night, because he’s in pain. He says his Achilles hurts. So, yes, if you’re roided up, you try to sound tough by making your injuries more specific. “Oh man, my Deltoids…”
8:30 — It’s like a Grade 12 kid talking about how much fun he had at a party. “I had so much fun. I had 7 beers and 3 Smirnoff Ice’s, and also 1 shot of Cuervo.”
8:31 — Another note: if you call it Cuervo, you’re either 19 and under or you’re on Entourage.
8:31 — Ronnie just admired how “ripped” an older guy on the Boardwalk was and says he wants to look like him when he’s older. Mickey Rourke?
8:32 — Deena says she feels like her boyfriend is a part of her. Vinny says they’re two physically separate people. I feel he misinterpreted her…
8:33 — It starts raining, for Vinny and Deena bring in the valuables from the deck. As in, the Air Jordans.
8:34 — “Me and Jionni should be friends,” Vinny says to Snooki. $20 bet that the cameraman asked him to say it.
8:35 — Vinny is making The Situation look good right now. The Situation knows it. Then, we see Vinny saying he’s going to remain “celibate” this summer. I’m starting to think I need a new show. Hart of Dixie?
8:39 — “You’re ready to become a Mommy,” says the boss Danny, to Snooki. Meanwhile, she in a t-shirt shop. For him.
8:40 — These people eat a lot of fast food…
8:41 — Snooki and Sam are in a clothing store and Snooki is staring at skinny jean shorts. She seems to think she would normally fit them.
8:42 — I feel this show is making me jaded. (Evidence: 8:41 p.m.)
8:43 — Pauly D and Ronnie are riding bumper cars, and The Situation and Vinny are talking about being happy and healthy. “Living in the moment,” he calls it. So, why aren’t you in the bumper vars?
8:44 — “Integrity means, like, shame,” says Deena. #Thesaurus
8:45 — Deena just said, “Underwears.” She also says, “Horseses.”
8:46 — Snooki’s glasses either make her look like a Powerpuff Girl or a character form Dexter’s Labratory. I can’t decide…
8:47 — I’m sorry to do this… there are 12 minutes to go… I can’t do this anymore…
8:48 — I’m out.