Episode 2: THE BACHELOR LIVE BLOG! THE BACHELOR LIVE BLOG!

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by Kolby Solinsky

Editor and Guilty Pleasure Aficionado, White Cover Magazine

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Are you ready for another Monday of Chris Harrison hyperboles (“In a moment America will never forget…”) and the repeated use of the phrase “Looking For Love”? Well, fu*k. I sure am.

Last week — or, to be more chronologically accurate — Sean just started giving roses out left and right. Screw the rules, right? (It almost humours me to think that this show tries to hold itself to rules, anyway.)

Here’s a minute-by-minute account of Episode 2. Enjoy.

(*NOTE: Since I’m on the West Coast of North America, my clock starts at 5 p.m. For most of you, you’ll start watching at 8 p.m.)

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5:00 p.m. — The phrase “Tonight, on The Bachelor” has its own special ring now. It’s like hearing the voice of the guy with the megaphone before a Seahawks game, or like hearing Michael Buffer order a combo from Wendy’s.

5:03 p.m. — The date card went to Sarah, the girl with one arm. (How many of these girls are happy for her in front of the camera but just as pissed they normally would be off it?)

5:05 p.m. — Sean arrives in a helicopter (like, duh) and asks Sarah if she’s ready. She is.

5:06 p.m. — The helicopter takes off and all the girls wait by the propeller. What’s better than a bunch of for-fire hoochies getting doll’d up and learning how to walk in heels? Answer: watching the same women have their hair blown around by a helicopter propeller.

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5:10 p.m. — Sean just called Sarah’s having one arm The Elephant in the Room (a phrase normally reserved for Mitt Romney’s Mormonism) and then said she didn’t need to feel worried about it because she’s gorgeous… like, okay. We’ll just let that one go.

5:12 p.m. — I just realized that Sean picking Sarah for the first date of this show is the worst possible thing that could have happened for my Live Blog. How can I be sarcastic and snarky now? Everything I say sounds like a shot at The Elephant in the Room.

5:14 p.m. — So, they just jumped off a building. My idea of a first date is You, Me and Dupree with popcorn.

5:15 p.m. — Note to ABC: Don’t show a commercial starring Sofia Vergara if you still want us to be wowed by any of the contestants on The Bachelor. I’m basically now waiting for Wednesday’s Modern Family and I couldn’t care less about what the frumpy orange girl supposedly does wrong later this season.

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5:20 p.m. — Sarah just told a story about how The Elephant in the Room prohibited her from going zip-lining and the producers at ABC set it to romantic music… AND THEN GAVE US A CLOSE-UP OF THE ARM!

5:21 p.m. — It’s a shame that zip-lining teams have such discriminatory policies.

5:22 p.m. — The girls are learning which of them gets a spot on the Group Date. It’s hard to tell if any of them are disappointed or happy.

5:23 p.m. — Tierra — the frumpy orange one — just said, “I’m not here to meet friends. I’m here to meet Sean.” Yeah, that’s great, Sweetheart, but that’s been said by one woman every season and Sean’s on a date with someone who can put a sentence together.

5:24 p.m. — Sean gave Sarah a rose and they hugged. It would be more romantic, but they’re in Downtown Los Angeles. (Fun Fact: There isn’t a Downtown Los Angeles.)

5:25 p.m. — Sarah just said she feels like she’s falling in love with Sean. Isn’t this Episode 2?

5:26 p.m. — A promo for what’s coming up later in this episode shows one of the girls kissing Sean during the group date’s Photo Shoot. Again, this happens every year. Get some more unique emotions, Ladies. It’s no wonder men view you as objects.

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5:30 p.m. — I will say, the best part of this show every year is this point in Episode 2 where ever girl still thinks they have a shot, even though you can kill them off with your mind in one, swift motion.

5:31 p.m. — It’s right up there with the parts where a girl who you know will get kicked off gets kicked off and then all the girls remaining pretend to be shocked when they see her luggage being dragged out of the house.

5:32 p.m. — Sean is like the rest of us normal dudes. He takes his shirt off and then takes 30 minutes to find another one.

5:33 p.m. — Tierra: “Oh, Kristy has extensions?!” (Apparently, extensions are weirder than none of these girls actually having eyebrows.)

5:34 p.m. — Tierra: “I have a good glow… of life.” Orange people normally do.

5:35 p.m. — “I feel like I’m on a pony ride,” says the girl on the pony ride.

5:36 p.m. — Kristy, the Ford model, says she has an advantage in this date because she’s practiced in front of the camera all these years. I’d bet every one of these girls spends more time in front of the mirror, though.

5:37 p.m. — Tierra: “I feel like this isn’t a competition.” She’s right. That Lesley girl is winning.

5:39 p.m. — Please mark this as the first time all season that Tierra referred to herself in the third person.

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5:43 p.m. — Is this Kristy woman actually a model, or is it kind of like how Ari was a “race car driver”?

5:43 p.m. — (That last comment wasn’t meant to be mean, it’s just hard to imagine her as a model with that ridiculous Wisconsin accent.)

5:44 p.m. — Sean and Lesley are “feeling each other”. Unfortunately, we can’t see them because either the lighting is really bad in the room or Shaq is standing overtop of them.

5:45 p.m. — Lesley wondered if Sean didn’t kiss her because her body language sucked. Don’t worry, girl. It was obvious to everyone watching.

5:46 p.m. — Kristy to Sean: “You’re, like, so fun.” Nothing like a fu*kin’ awesome compliment.

5:47 p.m. — Kacie B: “I never in a million years thought I’d be doing this again.” Yeah, because your last exit got us thinking you were too mature for it, too.

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5:52 p.m. — The real reason Sean should choose Sarah is nothing to do with her arm(s) or her personality. It’s that she’s the only women in The Bachelor history to have a real job title. “Advertising Executive” certainly beats “Professional Organizer” (Unemployed) or “Executive Assistant” (Secretary).

5:54 p.m. — This Catherine girl deserves a lot more screen time.

5:54 p.m. — Every time Selma talks, I’m pretty sure Sean cringes as much as I do. She’s either four years old, or she’s related to Fran Drescher.

5:57 p.m. — I’ve had nothing to say for three minutes…

5:58 p.m. — I have to give this Katie girl credit for saying her job is a “Yoga Instructor”. Any other woman in this show’s history would use “Professional Stretcher” instead.

6:01 p.m. — Note to the Women: If Sean picks up a rose and we haven’t seen your face yet, you’re not getting it.

6:02 p.m. — The girls think Tierra is just there to win. But, to be fair to her, it’s understandable for a ‘Leasing Consultant’ to just want something temporary.

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6:06 p.m. — What are the chances these women think ‘The Fiscal Cliff’ is a summit in Arizona?

6:08 p.m. — They guy playing the artist in Sean’s prank is named Sven. That works.

6:09 p.m. — Desiree: “The card says Love is Priceless and I have no idea what that means.” Actually, we’re with her on that one.

6:10 p.m. — If the prank was simply Desiree laughing at the fake artist’s fake joke, it would be enough.

6:11 p.m. — Sean: “Chris, I feel sorry for these poor girls, man!”

Chris: “Oh, she is hook, line, and sinker!”

You couldn’t write a better ‘Bros at the Bar’ script.

6:13 p.m. — Sean said he wanted to see if Desiree had a sense of humour. So far, she’s still in the middle of the prank, and she hasn’t stopped laughing. Job well done.

6:14 p.m. — Sven just admitted that the vase she broke only cost $5. So, what the Hell, is she going to pay him back?

6:15 p.m. — Sincere Moment: This Desiree girl actually seems like a catch. It’s even hard to guess why she’s on this show.

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6:20 p.m. — It’s ironic that Sean made them steam vegetables for dinner, because now I desiree broccoli. (Sorry.)

6:21 p.m. — Sean: “Your parents sound just like my parents.” I think she planned that.

6:21 p.m. — Just realizing this, but it must be awkward for these people to continually run away and record a confessional while in the middle of a date… it seems like that might ruin the mood?

6:22 p.m. — Sean is a chronic abuser of the phrase, “We’re feelin’ each other”. I love it.

6:23 p.m. — Sean: “Love to me means not going another day without you in my life.” That seems to be in direct violation of his proclamation in Hyde Park last season. (“I believe love means giving yourself completely to someone.”)

6:24 p.m. — When the Bachelor is about to kiss a girl and then says, “Hold on one second,” why do they seem to never understand they’re about to get a rose?

6:25 p.m. — Desiree is also a chronic abuser of the phrase, “We’re feeling each other”. I think they found love.

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6:27 p.m. — Desiree was really running away with it in my books, but then I had a commercial break to check out her bio on ABC.com. Her favourite book is Eat, Pray, Love because, “it’s a personal journey of overcoming and finding love and happiness along the way.” You have no idea how far she just fell.

6:31 p.m. — Sean, at the start of the Cocktail Party: “I know the two women I’m sending home.” Damn! That’s some incredible decisiveness.

6:32 p.m. — There’s a good bet the two who get sent home won’t host The Bachelorette next season…

6:33 p.m. — Sean: “I’m all about family.”

Lindsay: “Yeah. It’s awesome.”

6:34 p.m. — Sean: “I have no idea who I’m sending home.” So much for the incredible decisiveness from three minutes ago.

6:36 p.n. — The girls are worried that this Amanda girl isn’t speaking. “It’s tornado waiting to happen,” says one. I’m more worried because she looks like a Child of the Corn.

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6:41 p.m. — Robyn: “I’ve actually noticed the show’s become more diverse… I wonder how much race plays into it.” Oh crap. Now this starts…

6:42 p.m. — Sean: “I love this question, and I have no idea where it’s going.” Yeah, he’s uncomfortable.

6:42 p.m. — Sean: “I’ve dated Hispanic. Persian. My last girlfriend? Black!

6:43 p.m. — $20 says ABC has just radio’d into Chris Harrison and told him to give Robyn a rose just to avoid a potential lawsuit.

6:45 p.m. — The girls are all really offended because the very glum Amanda suddenly “came to life” when Sean asked her to speak with him. They wonder if she’s “playing games” with Sean. Or, she’s just happier talking to him than talking to you…

6:46 p.m. — Desiree: “(She’s) just trying to put on a face that she thinks he will like.” Yeah, like makeup?

6:47 p.m. — Daniella says she has two people in mind who she thinks Sean will let go. Funny, because that’s the first we’ve seen her. #TakeTheHint.

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6:51 p.m. — Chris Harrison: “It’s still early in this process.” But, it’s 6:51…

6:52 p.m. — Sean’s making his I’m so happy to be here speech. Hopefully, the two women who get kicked off will know they made a sacrifice for the greater good.

6:53 p.m. — I just realized this, but I think the Rose Ceremony theme music is the same as the Who Wants to be a Millionaire theme music.

6:54 p.m. — Selma got a rose and threw down the hug for good measure. Snap. That’s a one-up.

6:56 p.m. — Chris Harrison: “Ladies… this is the final rose tonight.” Never gets old, man.

6:56 p.m. — Sean only gave roses to two of the three remaining black women. #Racist

6:58 p.m. — Diana: “It’s a shame I couldn’t stay to see how far it could go.” I think you just did…

6:59 p.m. — Diana waited until the last minute of the show to announce to the camera she was a single mother. Two years ago, that pretty much got Emily Maynard a book deal. It’s like The Single Parent Thing has been one-upped by The One Arm Thing.

Do the stakes need to be raised every season? Has The Bachelor become Dexter?

*Come back for next week’s episode…