New York Giants Here’s what you need to know. The Giants won the Super Bowl after starting 7-7, finishing 9-7, and then running the table. They beat the San Francisco 49ers, they beat the New England Patriots, and they hammered the Atlanta Falcons. During the regular season, the Giants looked like no more than an […]Read more "2013 NFL Preview: The New York Giants and The Magic Loogie"
Denver Broncos Seinfeld equivalent – Murphy Brown in Los Angeles Why? – You wait so long to see the game changed. Turns out, the cast is just grumpy. Offseasonish – On the other end of the “Jim Irsay is a complete dickface with grey pubic hair for head hair” saga was the whole “John Elway has a […]Read more "2013 NFL Preview: The Denver Broncos and Murphy Brown"
Jacksonville Jaguars Seinfeld equivalent – Mr. Kruger Why? – Not good at what they do, but not worried about it either. Offseasonish – It was, like, all about Tebow man! The kid was coming home and, even though he would brutally flame out and completely destroy the Jaguars quarterbacking situation for, like, three years, why not […]Read more "2013 NFL Preview: The Jacksonville Jaguars and Mr. Kruger"
Indianapolis ColtsSeinfeld equivalent – Russell Dalrymple, the guy with the daughter with the cleavage Why? – Life’s great when you’re the biggest honcho at NBC. Until, of course, your world crumbles around you because you want the young woman with cleavage, and then you have to spend a few years in the wilderness with Greenpeace. […]Read more "2013 NFL Preview: The Indianapolis Colts and Elaine’s Cleavage"
Houston TexansSeinfeld equivalent – Kenny Banya Why? – Success is a question mark, but God damn, will they be fun to watch. Offseasonish? – Mario Williams chose Buffalo over Houston. Is the Texas housing market as bad as they say?Real offseasonish? – Okay, but Mario Williams really did choose Buffalo over Houston, which says two things: […]Read more "2013 NFL Preview: The Houston Texans and Kenny Banya"
So, Big Ben made it through an entire offseason without a sexual misconduct charge. Ray Rice is a very rich man, and Joe Flacco has declared himself the best quarterback in football… kind of. Oh yeah, and there are two other teams besides Pittsburgh and Baltimore, although we haven’t had any reason to remember them […]Read more "2013 NFL Preview: The AFC North and Their “Seinfeld” Equivalents"
Cincinnati Bengals Seinfeld equivalent – Mickey Why? – Come on, you need an explanation? (They’re small.) It’s almost like the Bengals are just trying to copy whatever the Ravens or Steelers have done, and then they focus on appearing different when they’re side-by-side. “If we both wear this shirt, we’ll look like idiots!” Offseasonish – […]Read more "2013 NFL Preview: The Cincinnati Bengals and Mickey from “Seinfeld”"
Cleveland Browns Seinfeld equivalent – George Costanza Why? – There’s really not a whole lot going on here. Just collect your EI cheque and try again tomorrow. Also, try doing the opposite. What have you got to lose? It’s not hard to picture anybody in Cleveland saying, “My name is George. I’m unemployed and I […]Read more "2013 NFL Preview: The Cleveland Browns and George Doing the Opposite"
Baltimore Ravens Seinfeld equivalent – Joe DiMaggio Why? – Flacco definitely dunks his donut. Offseasonish – It’s been hard in Bal-tee-more since The Wire got shut down. Real offseasonish – Ray Rice is little, but expands like the food that bears his name once he goes into contact. He’s like a puffer fish of muscle, and he’s now a […]Read more "2013 NFL Preview: The Baltimore Ravens and Joe DiMaggio’s Donuts"
Pittsburgh Steelers Seinfeld equivalent – Izzy Mendelbaum, the old guy who can’t lose. Why? – That’s pretty self-explanatory, isn’t it? Offseasonish – Hines Ward retired amid a cloud of media-induced controversy, and Mike Wallace is still figuring things out. Both were in The Dark Knight Rises, so that’s cool, I guess. Real offseasonish – A whole lot of […]Read more "2013 NFL Preview: The Pittsburgh Steelers and Izzy Mendelbaum"