Canada Loses to Finland, 3-2. Welcome to Reality, Canucks.


Be honest, Canadians. You didn’t watch it.

Did you really get up at 6:30 a.m. this morning (Vancouverites?) and actually remember that there was a game one, or did you just slobber and goop your un-brushed teeth to the bathroom and shove yourself in the shower like you do every morning?

Did you see the Finland/Canada game and — even if you didn’t — are you still prepared to analyze Canada’s 3-2 loss?

(*CBC is included in the above statement, because we know they’re not allowed to watch the games.)

It was a wake-up call. That was it. It was a sign that things aren’t going to be as easy as 2005. It’s a sign that the Finns and the Swedes and the Russians and the Americans (and, sh*t, even the Czechs) are not doormats and they’re not rollover puppies while you dangle cheese above their heads.

They’re tough hockey players — as if that’s not redundant — and they want to win gold as much as you do.


Well, because you’re so proud of yourself, Canada. You’re always so boisterous and happy and loud and arrogant about it all. You deserve it. You really do. But, you’re like a Manitoban behind the wheel of a car. Suddenly, all your niceness and manners and polite-ability go out the window in exchange for rage and anger. You’ve bottled it all up and you just let it fly from Boxing Day to New Years.

Every. Year.

Inside Canada, we blow ourselves over our Junior records, which borders on child porn considering the age of the participants. We froth for TSN’s annual coverage, and Bob McKenzie and Pierre McGuire wouldn’t need more than two Ruben sandwiches before they were willing to make love to each other or anybody else within sight.

On Wednesday night — the eve before Thursday morning’s pre-tournament tune-up — TSN ran an hour-long or 30-minute special (nobody watched it, so how should we know how long it was?) on the Top 40 Canadian World Junior players of all-time. It was their own list. They created it. It was all their coverage. They called it BREAKING NEWS, and they teased to it all day.

They jacked off while looking into their own mirror and then turned it towards you and said, “Go ahead.”

Like religion, it’s all well and fine and folksy when nobody loses. It’s all nice and Canadian and wholesome. Again, like Christianity and the biscuits on Sunday. Of course, eventually, you have to come to grips with the truth of the whole thing, which is that it’s all just a giant delusion.

New Zealand is the best rugby team in the world. They’ve only won two World Cups. The United States is the best baseball country in the world, and they’ve never won a World Baseball Classic (which they then had swiftly shut down).

Canada is still the top hockey country in the world, but that’s mostly a percentage thing.

If you believe Canada is going to win year-in and year-out, then some will call you hopeful. That’s fine. But, you’re also wrong.