Brandon Marshall: Viagra, The NFL, And You

You know how sometimes somebody else will start to tell you something, and then about 3.5 seconds in you’ll realize it’s about to get really uncomfortable and you’ll just say, “Aye, you know what, buddy? That’s okay. Your business is your business”?

Well, now imagine you’re in a news scrum and Brandon Marshall hauls off and starts talking about Viagra.

Yes, the big, bad Bears and their NFL brethren — Marshall says — sometimes need a little extra help in the bedroom. You know, like, getting hard. Erections. Blood-fused boners.

“I don’t know too much about Addrell,” he told reporters, according to USA Today. “I know guys, it is such a competitive league, guys try anything jut to get that edge. I’m fortunate enough to be blessed with size and some smarts to give me my edge. But, some guys, they’ll do whatever they can to get an edge. I’ve heard of some crazy stories. I’ve heard of guys using, like, Viagra, seriously. Because the blood is supposedly thin, some crazy stuff. So, you know, it’s kind of scary with some of these chemicals that are in some of these things, so you have to be careful.

Oh. So, it wasn’t about the bedroom, at all. It was about the field. On the field. And, it couldn’t help that Marshall plays in what we can only assume is one of the most deep-seeded homophobic leagues in professional sports (although we can also imagine Mike Ditka crying on his brown leather couch whenever Chicago loses, which hasn’t been much lately).

Other NFLers instantly disputed it.

“What would that do? That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard,” said Minnesota Vikings long snapper Cullen Loeffler.

“I’ve never heard of that,” said Marshall’s teammate D.J. Moore.

Right about now, all we need is an uncomfortable and expected joke about sex…

“I can’t imagine why people would take steroids, so I have no comment on Viagra,” said New York Giants’ Justin Tuck. “Besides, my wife would be very upset with me.”

There you go…

Of course, one can only imagine how many guys denied using it for its real purpose when it first came out.

Only time will tell…

Don’t worry, NFLers. You should have no problem hiding it now that Viagra has lost its patent. You’ll be able to get the little now-generic bastards at every Safeway around your house.