Bill Clinton Is The Man You Want Your Kids To Be

If you’re a parent, tell your kids to go to YouTube (yes, it’s okay to do that now) and say in a soft but commanding voice, “Search Bill Clinton.”

It will teach them how to speak. It will teach them how to enunciate. They may even find the secret to everlasting hair growth in his words, because God knows he has (no, nobody at White Cover believes in God). They will see a man who is so orator-ical, he fooled the State of Arkansas into believing he was a Republican.

In a few words on Wednesday night, where he mentioned Michelle Obama, Clinton did more to promote her than she ever has. While everyone else drowns in their own jargon and jungle-like political gargle, Clinton seems to pull it off, even though you can see the inside of his brain laughing and dancing, saying, “Oh My God, I’m Pulling This Off!”

Bill Clinton is the kind of man who could get married, get elected President of the United States, then splurge jizzum stains on a younger (and a fair bit healthier) woman’s blue dress, get caught red-handed, and then talk his way out of it.

No, really, he did that.

You all knew that already, though.

Bill Clinton will teach your kids more about morals through his own immorality than their math teacher will teach them about algebra through algebra. He’s like a high school counsellor who talks to you and only to you, even though he’s talking to millions. And, he’s on the television.

For all his personal faults – and, Christ, there are many (again, we don’t believe in God, we just like using his name in vain) – Bill Clinton is the jester who sits in the King’s chair and hosts parties. Only, he doesn’t get in trouble when the Master returns from conquering France, or Germania, or, like, some Middle Eastern property of Rome.

He just lets loose with that goofy-ass laugh while Boris Yeltsin looks on uncomfortably.

Bill Clinton is the dude everyone knows who became President, and the dude every woman goes, “Yea, I hit that.”

Hey, let’s be honest here. You want your kid to be Bill Clinton.



  1. I’ll say what I did on another forum:

    “Definitely still got it. That was an impressive delivery. I watched Clinton, Michelle Obama and Paul Ryan’s speeches back to back last night – in that order.
    Man, the DNC just makes the RNC look like a robot circus.”

    1. I agree, although I really think even Clinton has stood out among the Democratic Party at their convention. I thought Michelle Obama’s speech was expected and Castro’s was typical. I thought their enthusiasm was great, but it would have done little to sway any voters. Clinton, in my opinion, was outstanding.