by Kolby Solinsky
Editor, White Cover Magazine
Donald Trump is little more than a bloated beluga whale carcass with the hair and selfishness of a fictional Indian orangutan. This we already know. He’s been lucky, however. His wife, or wives. His “daughter”. His father’s money. He’s also been made to look better than terrible, on occasion. He took his Comedy Central Roast like a champ, and he actually appeared the bigger man in a one-time feud with then-host of The View Rosie O’Donnell. (Then again, it was Rosie O’Donnell.)
Last Wednesday, Trump released a “long-awaited” “Major” “Announcement” on YouTube, the hype of which was largely generated by his own waft and bio-mass.
It was supposed to be some kind of big reveal about President Barack Obama. Instead, it was a personal vlog in the style of anything your teenage son could make on iMovie. It did nothing. It offered nothing.
It was just a 2:45 minute insult disguised as an unmasking.
(He did, at least, refer to Barack as Mr. President, which is a title he’s not often afforded by the country’s frothing conservative base.)
Without touching the heart of the Birther Issue – which we all know is half bologna and half cheese, gravy, and french fries – here are the Top 5 Worst Things About Donald Trump’s “Major Announcement”, in no particular order…
Honestly, half a billion dollars and you can’t put some money behind your “viral” videos, Donald? A high schooler named Hey, Beth has figured it out. Why can’t you?
Again… can Donald Trump not afford a microphone? This looks like it was filmed in a last-minute haste at 11 p.m. before your office home to be with their families on Christmas Eve.
Your voice is muffled. We can hear the fan in your office.
What the hell, guy?
If the President releases his university transcripts and records, Donald says he will give $5 million to the charity of Obama’s choice. That was the whole point of the video.
“This is a cheque that I absolutely would want to write.”
Okay… so, why not just do that regardless?
You’ve been on TV so many times. You’ve had your own show. You talk all. the. time.
And yet, your cufflinks clicked and clanged on your desk every single time you tried to make a point. I must have counted 45. This is something that the first-time presenter at a business retreat does and then kicks himself for after.
It’s amateur, Donald.
… There is none. No Trump logo. No Trump mug. No Trump tie. Nothing. Nadda.
Come on, you’re Donald Trump. Where’s the shameless self-promotion?
Honestly, we only like you for your buffoonery. Why aren’t you selling?