Ryan Kesler is a Diver, and Other Things You Shouldn’t Be Writing About

Okay, we get it. Ryan Kesler dives. His fans in Vancouver hate him for it (two minutes for embarrassment, anyone?) and his opponents in other cities love to key on it. Hearing Doughty or Richards talk about him in last season’s first round, they sounded like old newspaper scribes talking about Twitter. It was the talk of the watercooler, but just their watercooler.

Of course, it was no surprised that Kesler was voted the NHL’s biggest diver by other players, today. This is completely true, but also inflated. Every player dives and, while Kesler may just be the worst of a whole bunch of Sodomites, it’s really a non-issue. The belief that the Canucks, as a team, dive, is unfounded and was concocted during a 2011 Stanley Cup run during which they were the favourite, and they pis*ed everybody else off along the way.

Was there truth to it? Of course, but it became a side story that had nothing to do with the game, itself. It was the solace of the San Jose Sharks, who lost in five games not because the Canucks won unfairly, but because Dany Heatley, Danny Boyle, and Anttii Niemi forgot they had a game to play.

Kesler is a diver. That’s the whole thing. So, why write about it? We know that all writers and reporters have a secret desire to be known as a comedian (why else do they watch The Daily Show┬áso much?), but comedians have to exercise a certain level of charm or creativity.

They’re not supposed to sound jaded or petty.

Do you want to be known as a “journalist” who only points out obvious things? Can you not reach higher than the lower branch, or bottom rung? Do you really want to be known as the Johnny Knoxville or the old Adam Sandler of sports journalism, just without the money?

Sooner or later, cynicism and easy jokes will leave you in the dirt. You’ll be no different than anyone else.

And, if you’re going to do it, then be clever. Do it on time. Do it just before it’s popular. Do it like this:

So, while we’re here, there are other things you shouldn’t write, or joke, about. Not for any moral reason, but just because you sound lazy.

  • Justin Bieber’s hair
  • Lady Gaga’s outfits
  • Ron Artest’s issues
  • Ben Roethlisberger’s extracurriculars (unless he does it again)
  • Twitter. Just, anything.
  • Aaron Sorkin
  • Energy drinks. They’re not only for young people anymore.
  • The weather
  • Jeremy Lin
  • “Social Media”
  • Entourage
  • Rebecca Black
  • Steve Bartman, or the Chicago Cubs’ 104-year World Series drought
  • Craig Sager’s suits
  • Hurricane Katrina (nevermind, that’s still funny)