‘The Bachelor’: Recapping ‘The Women Tell All’ in a Few Bitchy Bullet Points

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by Kolby Solinsky

Editor, White Cover Magazine

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I can’t sum up the energy to write a proper intro for this “piece”. Let’s just do this thing…

  • The Oprah Crowd has to be the best part of every one of these “The Women Tell All” deals. Every quick cutaway to a bored housewife gasping at a “controversial” comment. Every time they laugh when Chris Harrison makes a joke that appeals to only those below the 20-IQ level. Every time a girl with one arm starts crying and you see five women with the Hillary Clinton haircut giving her the upside-down Wal Mart smile/frown. It’s Gold, Jerry. Gold.
  • By the way, how do you think Chris Harrison really feels about this episode? We get that he’s just plugging in time before he cashes a very large cheque, but the dude used to have actual journalistic aspiration. Now, he’s like Jerry Spring. No, worse… he’s Steve Wilkos.
  • I like Tierra. There. I said it. I’m a fan of independent women with a bit of an attitude, and the only time she bothered me was when she tried to push around my girl, Catherine. We know she’s been called crazy and bi*chy and manipulative, but just remember: this is The Bachelor. You’re only as crazy as the next contestant.
  • So, this AshLee F. chick is pretty nuts, too. Not only did she apparently not realize she was on a reality show, but she also wanted Sean to comfort her after he sent her packing, because “you’re a gentleman.” When he told her that he never wanted Emily to come see him after she kicked him off, this Ashlee F. chick told him that’s “it’s different for a woman” than it is for a man. As in, men have to be chivalrous. Women should be left alone. So, basically, she set feminism back 30 years.
  • Additionally, what was she thinking with the “you told me you didn’t have feelings for the other two women” thing? Listen, we get you’re upset (I guess), but do you really have to drop that bomb on national television? Save it for People magazine. Doesn’t she know you’re not actually supposed to tell all on “The Women Tell All”? I mean, I understand that a “Personal Organizer” (no, seriously, that’s her job title) would fuss over the details, but that was sabotage.
  • Can we stop saying that America is watching? “The girl America loves to hate… All of America thinks I’m a liar… America this… America that.” Chris, we know your “career” as a sports journalist led you to overvalue the effect of hyperbole, but this is getting out of hand.

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*Photos of the Incredibly Infectious Catherine Giudici

Treat her well, dude.

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