San Diego Chargers
Seinfeld equivalent – The Cuban Cigars
Why? – Fun for a little while. Exotic. From somewhere hot where everyone live if it wasn’t illegal. A holiday spot. There’s a zoo, and stuff. It’s light. Reliable. It’s relief. But, it never lasts.
Offseasonish – We hear they no longer have a Spectacled Bear at the Zoo. And, Shamoo is dead? Whaaaaaaa-aaaaaat?
Real offseasonish – No Mike Tolbert. Ryan Matthews is now (apparently) a number one running back. LaDanian Tomlinson used to be a thing. Philip Rivers sucks, but he doesn’t, actually. The main theme for the Chargers entering camp is boredom. But, really, the Chargers can’t win with expectation. Being a team that lost everything last year works better for them than anyone else. They can’t be a contender. They just can’t.
After all, what kind of contender would have a lightning bolt on their helmet?
Matinee Idol – Ryan Matthews. If not now, than when?
Philip Rivers – Is he Dan Fouts? No. But, is he Ryan Leaf? No. Now that we’ve all forgotten about him – and for good reason – expect him to Eli the Chargers close to a playoff spot.
Ronnie Brown – Brown is one of the swaggiest players in the NFL, but he had as much promise as a staring running back as Ryan Matthews does. Cool. Might work.
Robert Meacham – The only guy on the New Orleans Saints who couldn’t produce with Drew Brees as his quarterback. He’s the post-2010 version of Nate Burleson.
Malcom Floyd – Yay. A real heavy hitter to take the pressure off Meacham. (Sarcasm.)
Antonio Gates – Without a real number one receiver, Gates has once again become San Diego’s main aerial threat, but this is like Vince Vaughn or Tommy Lee Jones getting top billing in a 2012 movie: you’re too old to carry the ship, bro.
Fantasy Sleeps – Ryan Matthews. We’d never have said it – and don’t take him before Marshawn Lynch or Jamaal Charles – but a quick look through San Diego’s wide receivers or tight ends makes Matthews look like a PPR superstar.
With the Denver Broncos stealing everything except low altitude, the Chargers could fly under the radar. Unfortunately, flying low into Denver results in a head-on collision with the Rocky Mountains.
See you in 2014, SD.