2013 NFL Preview: The Indianapolis Colts and Elaine’s Cleavage

Indianapolis Colts

Seinfeld equivalent – Russell Dalrymple, the guy with the daughter with the cleavage

Why? – Life’s great when you’re the biggest honcho at NBC. Until, of course, your world crumbles around you because you want the young woman with cleavage, and then you have to spend a few years in the wilderness with Greenpeace.

Offseasonish? – It was all bad, or was it good? Well, it was bad. the ugly divorce from Peyton, coupled with the giddy feet of Jim Irsay, who looked so excited while Manning was walking out the door and Luck was walking in you could have mistaken him for a guy waiting to peer outside the only bathroom at a party.

Is it good they got Luck? Is it good they blew up the foundation? Yea, for sure.

But, it doesn’t mean it didn’t get ugly.

THEN, don’t forget that everyone took pleasure in assuming that the guy the Colts got wasn’t going to be as good as the guy who won the Heisman and then went No. 2 in the Draft.

Real offseasonish? – Reggie Wayne stuck around. You’re telling me he doesn’t know more than we do?

Matinee Idol? – Andrew Luck? Too hobbity. Reggie Wayne? Too easy. Jim Irsay? Nobody else on this team can afford to pay for pu*sy.

What about Coby Fleener? A good looking kid, underrated, hailing from a blue collar town nearby called Lemont, Illionois, and he’s coming off a sensational Senior year at Stanford where his quarterback was none other than Andrew Luck.

Reggie Wayne – One of the best former wideouts in football stuck around while everyone else jumped ship like it was being driven by Barbossa from Pirates of the Caribbean. But, wait, can’t Andrew Luck throw the ball? And, if he can at least throw it, then isn’t it good for Reggie Wayne? After all, he’s the only one there who can run a route.

Sure, Carolina was brutal last year, but how was Steve Smith?

Jim Irsay – Fresh off his summer as the host of the NFL’s most-watched reality show, Irsay heads back into Lucas Oil to take over his father’s team. Good. Mark Cuban needs a rival.

Lucas Oil – This sexy, sexy building was built my Manning, who also filled the seats. It just seems hollow and vacant now and, despite the excitement that Luck may one day revive in the Indy faithful, it’s going to be a strange turn of events to see that building when it was has all it sap and vinegar removed.

Peyton Manning – Duh. The most important player in Indianapolis is still the guy who doesn’t even play for them. Have you ever sat in your father’s chair? What about, like, 30 years after he’s died? Does it really feel like your chair?

Andrew Luck – What do you think it’s like to be Andrew Luck? Do you approve of every and all message(s) about you, or are you worried that – day-in, day-out – somebody will think something different, write something different, and and analyze each pass you make with the ferocity of a badger of Spanish Fly? In Luck’s first preseason game, the kid went 10-for-16 for two touchdowns and 188 yards, and the Internet lit up like a female medic’s switchboard during Pearl Harbor.

Is it a good thing that we’re praising his efforts, or are we building him and waiting for him to pop? Will we take more pleasure in seeing him succeed, or fail? Will he be compared to Robert Griffin III, and will either of them become the next one?

(*By the way, what does the next one even mean in the NFL? There are, like, 10 elite quarterbacks in the league, and Eli Manning has two Super Bowls even though he throws like a duck a looks like Charlie Brown… is the next one going to be the next Brady, Montana, or Peyton, or is the next one just going to survive?)

Fantasy Sleeps – Tight end Coby Fleener. We’re going all-in. $20 on Snake Eyes.


A bummer of a season, we’ll say they top out at four or five wins, but their individual stars have the potential for breakout (or comeback, in the case of Wayne) seasons.