2013 NFL Preview: The Houston Texans and Kenny Banya

Houston Texans

Seinfeld equivalent – Kenny Banya

Why? – Success is a question mark, but God damn, will they be fun to watch.

Offseasonish? – Mario Williams chose Buffalo over Houston. Is the Texas housing market as bad as they say?

Real offseasonish? – Okay, but Mario Williams really did choose Buffalo over Houston, which says two things: 1) Good on Mario, because nobody else in their right mind wants to go to Buffalo; and 2) Houston’s defence will either be wildly underrated or vastly handicapped. Go with the former. This is still one of the most complete teams in football, and Williams’ hardly-felt absence will prove that.

Matinee Idol – Arian Foster. The dude even talks about other running backs in the Bleacher Report’s 2013 Fantasy Football preview shows.

Arian Foster – We can’t break away from him just yet. Sure, he’s the consensus number one pick in almost every Fantasy league this year but, on the field, nobody attacks the end zone like Arian Foster. Okay, so is he a lock to lead the league in yards? No. Nobody ever is. But, when he’s moving and chugging and hugging – and, with Adrian Peterson’s ability to play smashmouth (football, not music by the band) – Foster is the best running back in football, week-in and week-out.

Matt Schaub – It’s just hard to take his guy seriously, isn’t it? When he wins a Super Bowl, you’ll be looking at him, going, “Really, Matt Schaub?” Whenever you finish your draft, your confidence is ruined once you look at your roster and go, “Really, Matt Schaub?” He’s unimposing, he has no hair, and he’s not nearly as flashy or explosive as his wide receiver or his running back. Even his tight end, Owen Daniels, is easier to swallow.

But, somehow, Matt Schaub is always there.

The NFL’s Best Helmet – In a league which prides itself on tradition and the voice of John Facenda, is it surprising that its best helmet features a blue and red bull silhouette with a star for an eye?

The Dallas Cowboys – Yeah, the Houston Texans are now the state’s team. Deal with it, Good Christian Bitches.

Andre Johnson – Andre Johnson has been replaced at the top of the “Oh My God, Is He Actually Human?!?” category by Lions’ wideout Calvin Johnson. It’s partly due to his injuries, and also due to Megatron being an unstoppable beast. Johnson now has two options: 1) Either get attention back by bringing a shotgun into a club; or 2) Catch a lot of balls, stay healthy, and make a playoff run.

As entertaining as the first one always is, Johnson seems like a detente kind of guy.

Fantasy Sleeps – Ben Tate. Is there a chance he gets any action over Arian Foster? No, but who’s to say he won’t be a good guy to grab for the off chance you need him, or that he emerges as another kind of back. Tate managed 942 yards and 5.2 yards per carry in 2011, despite only starting two games. If he’s available at the end of your draft, why not give him a look?


They’ll run over the AFC South, and have their fun with Andrew Luck while they can. A first-round bye may be too much to ask – with New England, Baltimore, and Pittsburgh in the same conference – but an NFL MVP for Arian Foster isn’t out of the question.