Seinfeld equivalent – Murphy Brown in Los Angeles
Why? – You wait so long to see the game changed. Turns out, the cast is just grumpy.
Offseasonish – On the other end of the “Jim Irsay is a complete dickface with grey pubic hair for head hair” saga was the whole “John Elway has a horse’s mouth and speaks with a megaphone” dramatic crescendo. Elway and John Fox courted Peyton Manning like they were reviewing tech sector employees in Office Space. They reeked of smugness, and they got their man. It was like watching Rachel McAdams’s character from Midnight in Paris, only if she had won. The whole thing was a little sickening, but wouldn’t you want to watch that movie?
Real offseasonish – According to the New York Daily News, only 22 hours ago, the “Denver Broncos upgrade QB position with Peyton Manning.” Wow, they really went out on a limb there.
Matinee Idol – Tim Tebow. Face up. They didn’t get prettier.
Peyton Manning – Lost in this whole saga is Peyton’s football acumen. Sure, his neck blows. Sure, John Elway is the anti-Christ. But, Peyton can throw. And, better than it all, he’s a Hell of a worker.
Demaryius Thomas – After a surprisingly fantastic season, Thomas became known as the guy who caught that one 84-yard pass and then sh*t-talked his quarterback. But, hey, the boy can play.
Matt Prater – Another guy known for one, life-changing (if you’re Tim Tebow) play, Matt Prater kicked an 808-yard field goal to help bone the Bears while I was in Hawaii. He was then the only one who received a positive rating from Jason Sudeikis’s Jesus on Saturday Night Live, and he became the NFL’s best one-week excuse for why Tim Tebow doesn’t deserve any credit. Prater was last year’s version of Dante Hall. Yay, 2013.
John Fox – Fox may be the biggest reason the Broncos have a realistic shot at a playoff run. Not only does he have a guy who loves to win, but he knows how to take a nothing franchise to the Super Bowl. If the 2012/13 NFL season was Goodfellas, John Fox would be John Elway’s Jewish wife. He’s the best side of a dirty, ol’ bas*ard.
John Elway – Should we lay off? Fine. But, is there anything worse than seeing John John smile?
Fantasy Sleeps – Honestly? Matt Prater.
Unless Jamaal Charles and Peyton Hillis suddenly become a two-headed water walker, the Broncos will roll to first place in the division and John Elway can finally make back all the money he blew on an arena football team, or a shi*ty restaurant, or a U-Haul company, or whatever it is that ex-great Hall of Fame quarterbacks do when they retire.