2013 NFL Preview: The Dallas Cowboys and The Maestro

Dallas Cowboys

Here’s what you need to know. Dallas lost out on the playoffs by losing their last game, finishing 8-8. They lost to the New York Giants, who won the Super Bowl. Tony Romo is like a penis that needs a Viagra to get hard. He’s got potential but, without support, that’s all he is. DeMarco Murray is a running back super stallion, but Dallas has a tormented history with dudes like that. Either they’re Emmitt Smith and Tony Dorsett, or they’re Marion Barber, Felix Jones, and an Egyptian village-sized group of nobodies. Honestly, who the Hell is Calvin Hill?

The Dallas Cowboys are America’s Team. They gave themselves that nickname. Well, their owner, Jerry Jones, did. So, they like themselves, and people like them. Well, people also hate them. They’ve won five Super Bowls, which used to be a lot, until Pittsburgh won six.

So, sure. The Dallas Cowboys are better. But, has that ever mattered?

Seinfeld equivalent – The Maestro

Why? – Arrogant, but for good reason. They rave about things like how to properly fold dress pants and their villa in Tuscany. But, at the end of the day, they’re just a character in a very popular TV show.

Offseasonish – Morris Claiborne! Morris Claiborne! Morris Claiborne!

Real offseasonish – Morris Claiborne. Meh.

Tony Romo – Tony is one of those guys who you call “Anthony” when you want to make fun of him. With everyone else, Anthony would sound like a compliment. It would sound refining. It would make them sound classy and dignified. With Romo, it’s a laugh fest. It’s like, “Hey, did you see Anthony last night? He sh*t his pants and then tried to throw it across the room because he panicked, but it hit the window and sprinkled my girlfriend on the way.”

(Sorry for those details.)

DeMarco Murray – Murray may be Dallas’s best running back since Emmitt Smith. He’s already probably the third best back in Cowboys history, because Herschel Walker wasn’t anybody. Murray runs like Dorsett, and pounds the defence. When Romo inevitably implodes, it will be Murray who carries them past the first down marker.

Jerry Jones’s Hat Size – Jones is the NFL’s Vince McMahon. No, seriously. That’s the only comparison that works. They’re both moguls, but all they really want is to say they were on Entourage and ask, “Did you see it? Did you see it?! I beat out Cuban!”

Jones’s offseason has traded in his typical Cowboys brand for a more conservative approach. His coach is what grass watches. Murray is a stand-up kid, and Morris Claiborne is all kinds of right. The Cowboys have gone from being a reality show in the vein of The Real World to Game of Thrones overnight.

But, really, how long can Jones go with this? When will he snap and trade everyone for a Chevy Volt, just because they were getting more attention then him?

He might need to retire or die.

Fantasy Sleeps – Murray. One season doesn’t make you an elite back. The second one does. We’re entering the second one.


Dallas falls prey to the Eagles talons on one, or both, occasions, and already has a leg up on the Giants for second place in the NFC East. If they don’t play down to the rest of their competition, the Cowboys might have a playoff spot all wrapped up.