2013 NFL Preview: The Cincinnati Bengals and Mickey from “Seinfeld”

Cincinnati Bengals

Seinfeld equivalent – Mickey

Why? – Come on, you need an explanation? (They’re small.) It’s almost like the Bengals are just trying to copy whatever the Ravens or Steelers have done, and then they focus on appearing different when they’re side-by-side. “If we both wear this shirt, we’ll look like idiots!”

Offseasonish – There’s just nothing going on in Cincinnati. Like the rest of the AFC North, the Bengals are based in a blue-collar, Christian hope, no-bars-open-after-midnight kind of place. It’s a symbol of America’s once-great industrial height.

It would be great if just one offseason someone in the Bengals organization got arrested for some kinda of sexual misconduct. Like, an offensive lineman, or a coach, or a… cheerleader?

Wait, what? That happened?!

Real Offseasonish – How are Mike Brown and Marvin Lewis still on the payroll? Their team is getting younger, their fanbase is getting energized, and the Bengals are sticking with two folks less in touch than the present day than Vito Corleone when he turned down Solozzo’s heroin enterprise.

Matinee Idol – Is Cedric Benson still around?

Andy DaltonFrom the New York Times: “The concerns you heard about arm strength when Andy Dalton was coming out of Texas Christian are valid. The 6-foot-2, 215-pounder does not have a gun. Dalton is no softball tosser, but he struggles to push the ball to the sidelines. The fact that he was just 19 of 49 for 558 yards and 5 interceptions on throws outside the numbers last year verifies this…not because those numbers are bad, but because they’re small.”

So, you’re afraid of Andy Dalton and his superb rookie season because his arm strength is lacking? Okay, so he won’t throw Brady-like bombs to Randy Moss, but Tim Tebow has a gun. And, he can’t throw. If Dalton gets the job done, then he gets the job done. Right?

This sounds like a Scott Hatteberg thing all over again.

Benjarvus Green-Ellis – Welcome, Newest Dreadlocked Bengal Running Back. You have a lot to live up to.

The Bengals Fans – How patient can you really be? We don’t blame them for the following excerpt, from Deadspin.com and writer JJ:

“If it weren’t for Donald Sterling we would have the worst owner in sports. Plus I believe we are snakebit. 1st round pick Ki-Jana Carter breaks his leg his league rookie year, never the same again. 1st round pick David Pollack breaks his fucking neck in the first game of the year, out of football. 2nd round pick Odell Thurman has a stellar rookie year then proceeds to drink himself out of the league but not before being filmed by a cop car in a DUI arrest with our slot receiver Chris Henry puking out of the rear window. Henry straightens his life up only to fucking DIE falling out of the back of a truck. Going way back, our secret Super Bowl weapon proceeds to coke himself into insanity the eve of the big game. Oh, and this year, our 1st round pick breaks his fucking kneebone before training camp. Not to mention that our star former QB was never the same after the fucking Steelers deliberately crushed his knee into a thousand pieces and then he decided to retire rather than be a Bengal again. WHO DEY”

A.J. Green – Wouldn’t it be great if the Bengals themselves could determine their own destiny? Not the angry fans, not the limpdi*k owner, and not their never-leaving head coach, but the players. So, Andy Dalton can’t throw long? Looks like A.J. Green has a lot to handle.

Jay Gruden – Last season’s most underrated newcomer turned the Bengals into a surprising playoff squad. He’ll need to do it again. (In reality, though, how lame is it that we have to report on an offensive co-ordinator in a broad swab preview of a team? In Baltimore, we reported on their Purple Jerseys, and in Miami we had a possible felon. Cincinnati’s problems are so white collar and lame, it’s like having a Twinkie and a coffee for lunch. You can read it, eat it, and consume it, but you’re hungry forever and you can’t stop shi*ting.)

Fantasy Sleeps – Could Andy Dalton be more underappreciated? He’ll go after Matt Schaub, but he’ll put up better numbers.


There’s too much heat in the AFC North. They did it last year, but doing it again with even slimmer hope is no easy feat, and they may have to contend with an improved Bills squad, a capable-of-winning-one-game Jets team, and a whole bunch of other teams that aren’t intimidated by jerseys that look like tigers.

8-8, and no postseason.