2013 NFL Preview: The Baltimore Ravens and Joe DiMaggio’s Donuts

Baltimore Ravens

Seinfeld equivalent – Joe DiMaggio

Why? – Flacco definitely dunks his donut.

Offseasonish – It’s been hard in Bal-tee-more since The Wire got shut down.

Real offseasonish – Ray Rice is little, but expands like the food that bears his name once he goes into contact. He’s like a puffer fish of muscle, and he’s now a very rich man who’s making it $8 million a year for the next few.

They’ll need Ray Rice to become an offensive team, and they’ll need to become an offensive team with the loss of Terrell Suggs.

Matinee Idol – Joe Flacco. Ever since he went out for Halloween as “A Male from Jersey Shore,” we can’t get him out of our heads. At least Flacco went as one of these losers for Halloween so he could make fun of him. It’s better than most American males, who unwittingly dress and act like them every day.

Ray Rice, Again – He was recently voted the NFL’s most irreplaceable running back, he stands up for his quarterback, and he is football’s best all-field offensive threat. The question, though, remains: can the Purple Pinball captain a team?

Ray Lewis – Watch this while making sweet, sweet love to your girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, husband, mistress, manstress, or drunken mistake. Try to last a full 60 seconds.

Billy Cundiff – Why not? He’s the individual whose final moments ends the Raven’s 2011 season and, regardless of how Ray Lewis strives to let him off the hook, there will no doubt be one, two, or twenty-five times that CBS shows us the following highlight in the 2012 season:

Torrey Smith – So electrifying. So many drops. So many big catches. (*See both below.) Torrey Smith – like Joe Flacco – is nearing a critical point in his career. Is he a top-tier receiver? Is he just another depth player? Is he better than Anquan Boldin? For all the talk about the Baltimore Ravens defense, this just may be an offensive team, but they’ll need the best out of Torrey Smith to do it.

Those Purple Jerseys – Minnesota sh*t the bed. Baltimore is purple’s only hope. Go, Donatello! Go!

Fantasy Sleeps – Can we draft John Harbaugh? No?

In all honesty, the Ravens D inexplicably slides every year in the draft, but they have the ability to be worth what a regular roster player is. Load up on Ravens, if only for their consistency. Rice. Smith. Flacco. But, at the end of the day, you’ll never find a surer bet than the Ravens D. Well, except for the other team in the AFC North.


They’ll win the AFC North and get a bye, avoiding the typical good team vs. a schmuck from the AFC South or West first round playoff game, and will then draw the Steelers, Texans, Broncos, or (*insert forgettable contender here*) before going up against New England for their second consecutive AFC Championship.

We can only hope.