The Bachelorette’s Chris Bukowski is Reality TV’s Great Trainwreck Since Late 2011

Chris’s Exit

Normally here, we just list of the 10 most cringeworthy moments of each episode of The Bachelorette, but we felt it was important to just devote this week entirely to Chris Bukowski, the manchild from Chicago. As far as his exit goes (oh yeah, he was kicked off this week after a boring hometown date), well this was almost somehow too awesome to be truly cringeworthy.

He seems like a nice guy, and all. A child, but a nice guy. His season-long hit list included the following such lines:

• “I’m a grown-ass man.” (while challenging an older guy to a verbal argument/possible fist fight and proving that he wasn’t actually a “grown-ass” man.)

• “Emily, can I speak to you?” (while at the Rose Ceremony)

• “On a scale of 1-to-Polish, I’m Polish.” (while in a Polish smokie store)

Chris was only 25 years old, yet he seemed younger. He still has the same corrosive issue that every high school boy has, where a girl tells him she’s into him and he believes she’ll never change her mind. “Oh, she likes me,” he thinks. “That means none of the other 20 guys here have a shot with her.”

Chris had a decent first date with Emily, but then basically never received another one, and he still continued to talk about how he needed to “remind her of our connection.”

She gave him a Rose during the Highland Games group date out of pity.

Chris’s job title (which is one of our favourite parts of The Bachelor(ette)) was corporate sales director, which is basically like saying human dial tone.

When he got kicked off after Week 8′s hometown dates, it was a purely perfect and juvenile moment, completed with him saying, “Can I have an explanation?” and “I’m twice the man of any of those guys in there.”

Clearly.

Chris’s Dad and the “Love” Thing

We’re going to try and get off the guy shortly, but it was enlightening to see that Chris’s Dad was almost as clueless about women as his son is.

After Emily basically told Mr. Poland that she was fond of Chris, or that she thought he was cool (something to that effect), Chris’s Dad told the camera that he was so happy that Emily had fallen in love with his son.

… I said, “Pardon?”

Of course, being the Dad of a young man who does nothing with chickens but count them, Mr. Poland told Christopher that Emily was in love with him, and Chris seemed genuinely shocked, surprised, and ecstatic.

This moment was odd for the audience, since we knew she didn’t love him and that the only way he would survive until the next week was if one of the other three guys pulled off some kind of legendary and colossal screw-up.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnddddddddd, playing his part to perfection, Chris’s exit was temper tantrum-filled and childishly crass.

“On a scale of 1-to-Polish, I’m a Polish baby.”