Are You Going to Watch the ESPYs Tonight?

Isn’t watching the ESPYs kind of like reading this blog? They both seem like lazy dessert.

After every major sport has already completed their seasons and handed out their own individual awards – which matter less than the trophies that championship teams win, anyway – now we have to sit through another awards show which basically aggregates all those individuals and bestows them with the exact same double entendre of recognition?

Aaron Rodgers is the NFL MVP. The Giants won the Super Bowl. The Kings won the Stanley Cup, and Evgeni Malkin the Hart. LeBron James got a ring and a trophy, while Josh Hamilton, Ryan Braun (okay, iffy), and the St. Louis Cardinals have all had pretty good year. They’ve gotten every bot of hardware they deserve. “Congrats, you’re now up for an ESPY!”

The ESPYs are pretty much like getting a fourth rib slapped on your dinner plate, even after you told Dad you’re too full. “Somebody’s got to eat it,” he says.

In reality, the ESPYs are meant entirely for ESPN, and for a little known comic looking to hang with the only athletic people he’s ever been physically close to. (Although, to be real, that is a pretty cool part of the show.) The ESPYs are meant for television, but they’re relatively useless in the grand scheme of things. And, since nobody watches television anymore, they may be in trubble. Even with Seth Meyers hosting, you felt like he was neutered, because this is ABC and Disney, and you can’t say anything that might offend the average church goer or IHOP enthusiast.

At least the MTV Movie Awards offer prizes and praise to folks who have been discarded by the Oscars, the Golden Globes, or the SAG.

And, hey, for all the talk about how lame the Golden Globes are, at least they went before the Oscars. They’re a pre-game, sure, but at least they got the pre part right.

The ESPYs only give awards to the athletes who have made the most money anyway. You’ve never seen a hockey team win a major award, or a hockey player take home a trophy. Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo will only get in there to fill the “foreign quota,” and LeBron will win everything.

You really don’t need to watch. But, who are we kidding? You weren’t going to anyway.