What Happens to the Earth’s Shape if Shane Doan Leaves the Phoenix Coyotes?

This is not big hockey news in the Drew Doughty can actually skate besides his physical appearance form of big hockey news. This is big hockey news in the way that the plot of the movie 2012 re-shaped the world’s tectonic plates.

If Shane Doan leaves the Coyotes, it will end the reign of the hockey world’s holiest king.

The shock waves will be felt in Winnipeg, seeing as Doan is the only remaining remnant from the days of that franchise, the original Winnipeg Jets. This is “Mike and Ike breakup”-style stuff. If those two aren’t together, it really isn’t the same candy, is it?

Listen, don’t try and guilt trip Shane. You won’t meet a nicer guy (which I know because I’ve met him), and you couldn’t concoct a finer mix of humanity and loyalty in an athlete. You know in A New Hope, when Obi Wan says, “You’ll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy”? Shane’s the opposite of that.

Maybe he just wants to win?

And, after watching them limp out of last year’s playoffs with little help from anyone – after going the farthest that franchise has gone in a season in over 30 years in both Manitoba and the American Desert – maybe Mr. Doan has realized now what the rest of us already did…

The Phoenix Coyotes will never win the Stanley Cup.