Brendan Shanahan Suspended from Hockey Fall of Fame for One Year

The following is a “real” transcript from Brendan Shanahan, senior vice president of player safety and hockey operations for the National Hockey League: 

“Hi, I’m Brendan Shanahan with the NHL’s Division of Player Safety. 

On June 26, at approximately 2:26 of the second period of no game that was taking place, I was informed that I would not be inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame in Toronto, Ontario, Canada, which is located downtown and can be accessed through Union Station’s underground subway system, as well as by foot, car, or bike. It’s really big.

As you can see by Google and, like, everywhere, the selection committee decided to induct one of my peers, Joe Sakic, as well as non-champions Adam Oates, Pavel Bure, and Mats Sundin. 

They informed me that they have taken into account that I was a second overall pick in the 1987 NHL Draft, that I retired with 656 goals and 1,354 points, and that I won three Stanley Cups with the Detroit Red Wings in a period of six years, as well as an Olympic Gold Medal. They have taken into account that I was possibly the best left wing of my generation. 

They also informed me that they have taken into account that I played for the Hartford Whalers and the New Jersey Devils during the seasons when the Devils still wore jerseys with a little bit of green on them, which were widely regarded to be some terrible seasons for the franchise. They have also taken into account that I was the last shooter stopped by Dominik Hasek in the 1998 Olympic semi-final shootout, and that I made little effort to correct my attempt once it was clear that he was going to stop me. 

To repeat, they have taken into account my legendary point totals and goal totals, as well as my three Stanley Cups and my Gold Medal. They have also taken into account a few minor failings of which I was not to blame. 

The Hall of Fame has decided to suspend me and myself for one year.”