First off, we have to apologize for the two-week hiatus. Life catches up sometimes, and you have to settle for just watching The Bachelorette, nevermind writing about it.
Second(ly) off, there was a lot missed. Week Four might have been the most cringeworthy of all of them. How about that scene where all the “guys” rode in on scooters while faux Muddy Waters played in the background?
How about the week in London, where Sean got up on the double decker bus and yelled, “Ya! London!” and Emily just clapped for him. (Something tells me she’s looking for a man who can look after her daughter, but also one that can be treated like her daughter.)
That said, here’s Week Six, in no particular order:
Chicago Chris, The Young Guy Who’s Almost as Old as Emily
No knock on being 25. (I’m 24.) There was a little bit of tension a couple weeks ago, however, when everyone else in the group casually and nonchalantly mentioned in front of Chicago Chris that he was a little younger and so he didn’t totally know all there was to know in the five (or so) years that would be coming.
We’ll give Chris the benefit of the doubt, though. Most folks in Chicago below 26 are pretty mature n’ stuff.
His response was to jealously freak out, and then even tell one of the show’s single dads (there’s like four) that he wasn’t going to back down to him.
Ya. Playground stuff. Water heaters.
In Week Six, the group date saw the biggest guys (and Jef) watch Brave, Disney Pixar’s newest and to-be-released animated flick. (We know it was by Disney Pixar because Emily told us that it was by Disney Pixar. ABC, you know?)
Of course, there was a nice moment where Chris was the only one laughing.
Ya. Playground stuff.
Ryan’s Exit: Part I
This was pre-exit, but it came when we saw his grooming schedule, at which point someone referred to the fact that had removed all the hair from his body.
Except, of course, for his face.
Ryan’s Exit: Part II
The dude didn’t make many friends in the house, but did they really have to cheer and clap when they saw his baggage – sorry – luggage being taken away? Did they have to jump up and down?
Doug didn’t, but Emily thinks he should be more “open,” or something.
Of course, Ryan told the camera he had made some “great friendships” during his time on the show, and he was sure he’d see them all soon.
I mean, it was kinda shi*ty.
Ryan’s Exit: Part III
“Don’t make me look like a… arrogant ass.”
This was Ryan’s final request to the producers.
We’ll forgive him for not using an instead of a.
Honestly, did anybody else feel bad for him here, or was it just me?
The joke’s no longer funny when the subject knows they’re the punch line.
Okay, even we admit that this is reaching a little, but can the show stop with these random and improvised moments. Chris Harrison (who should be a contestant, by the way) whipped around when Emily approached him to say she wanted two roses and said in a “surprised” voice, “Hey, what’s up?!?”
We’re pretty sure he was talking to a make-up person. You know, to look good for when she “surprised” him.
He then said, “I told you… there are no rules here?”
Whoa, what? What am I watching for then?
The Ostrich Egg Guy’s Entrance
Also known as… Travis, we wanna say?
There were a few stand-out moments on this week’s first and fatal one-on-one date, but we’ll give the cake to this entree:
Travis: “You look gorgeous!”
Emily: “Oh, you look nice!”
Bow chick-a bow wow.
I don’t understand. What is that?
John “The Wolf” and His Wallet
The Wolf (no relation to this The Wolf) ended his Cocktail Party presentation by pulling out his wallet and showing Emily that he keeps his grandparents’ funeral cards, or something (I’m not sure what “funeral cards” are, I’m 24) and telling her about love and what it means to him.
Smooth move. Really, it was.
But, basically, all we heard was, “So, I’ve been waiting for the right time to show you these to impress you and I can’t believe I’ve gotten this far, so I think now is the right time to do it.”
It’s the equivalent of someone texting you and asking, “How’d you like the gift that I bought you?” and all you hear is, “Remember, I bought you a gift.”
He also said to her, “Nobody knows this, not even my parents…”
And now, like, millions of people do.
After watching Brave, and everyone else is starting to walk away, Doug says/yells:
“Oh, the little guy would love that!”
We get it, dude. You have a kid. So does she. Find some new material.
There were a lot of comparisons between the medieval child’s animated story and Emily’s own. Emily told the camera that the girl from Brave is exactly the kind of woman she wants to be like, and that she’d want her daughter to be like.
We’d recommend The Pelican Brief.
White Cover Staff
White Cover Magazine is the "foremost" source for "male" and "female" things in the world today. Kind of. We have Sports. Movies. Arts. (What are Arts?) Television. Music. And, of course, a critical look at everything in the world of Journalism, Sports Journalism, and News at large.
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