9 Reasons to Cheer for Cristiano Ronaldo Against Spain

*Here are 10 reasons why you should like and love (not loath) Portugal’s first bonafide international superstar since Eusebio, even if it goes against your moral fibre and your inner being.

1. He’s never won anything before

Champions League, yeah. But, Euro? World Cup? Respect? Never. All the world’s greatest players get something (even fat Ronaldo did) and Cristiano should look at this year’s final two games as his time. 

P.S. We hope you give Messi the same Hail Mary of goodwill come 2014, too.

2. He’s good looking

I was in Portugal, and a heavy-set Latino woman I was eating lunch with said, “He’s fine as fu*k.” She was from San Diego…

Be honest. He looks a lot cooler in Mumford and Sons montages than other guys, doesn’t he?

3. He doesn’t drink

Even Tea Partiers and Amanda Bynes’s character from Easy A can love this guy. Ronaldo’s dad died from alcoholism when he was 20 years old, and so the kid abstains from the vile liquid that we all love. Hey, when you have his life, you can afford to hold back and still look cool. Major props on committing to a longer life than the rest of us.

4. He’s from a teeny, tiny place

Ronaldo isn’t from one of those big soccer countries that accounts for a fifth of the world’s population. He’s not Brazilian or Argentinian, he’s not English, German, Italian, or Spanish. He’s from a tiny country which basically acts as Spain’s deodorant, and he’s from a tiny, teeny island named Madeira, which is 400 km north of the Canary Islands and closer to West Africa than it is to its own country.

Of course, Madeira is the second-richest region in Portugal, but does that really mean anything right now?

5.  He’s got a kid

Yeah.

6. He’s the “second best” player in the world

You may think this guy has everything and anything whenever he wants (well, he does), but Ronaldo is still playing second fiddle to a diminutive Argentinian named Lionel Messi, and he knows it. With every beautiful goal he scores, people say, “Oh, maybe he’s not thaaaaaaaat far behind him.” With every mistake he makes, people say, “Jeeze, Ronaldo sucks compared to Messi.”

Come on. Let him have this one thing, eh?

7. He can dance

I have no idea about his actual dance moves, but watch his footwork.

8. He actually plays hard

You can’t knock Ronaldo’s actual play. On the soccer pitch, he’s far from a prim donna, and he has world class skills that actually go along with world class hype. Hey, it sounds like it should be obvious, but it often isn’t.

9. You’re watching history

It’s very possible that when we look back on this period, we’ll be able to look back on just Messi and Ronaldo and compare who they were, how good they were, and what they accomplished. Messi’s far ahead right now, simply on his accolades and trophy collection with Barcelona alone. He’s already considered by some the greatest player of all-time. If Ronaldo can return his serve, this is going to be Nadal-Federer(-Djokovic) worthy.