20 Thoughts on Episode 1 of Juan Pablo’s ‘The Bachelor’…

Unfortunately, this was about as weird as it got. (ABC/Rick Rowell)
Unfortunately, this was about as weird as it got. (ABC/Rick Rowell)

1. That Andi girl won the season the second she stepped out of the limo.

2. You really should not be allowed to list ‘Dog Lover’ or ‘Free Spirit’ as your occupation.

3. Same goes for calling The Bible your favourite book.

4. There were 27 women who entered Episode 1. 24 of them had ‘Crazy Eyes’, and they all had various types of crazy eyes. You had Great White Shark, Gecko, Woodland Tree Dweller/Flying Squirrel, and The Kraken.

5. Chris Harrison used to be a real-life journalist and everything, and now he’s treating reality TV binge dating like it’s Rhett and Scarlett in Gone With The Wind. How does he sleep at night? Actually, he probably sleeps like this.

6. The whole time Juan Pablo was a contestant on The Bachelorette, I had this suspicion he had just wandered onto the lot in Santa Barbera and found himself in a mansion with 24 other dudes, or that he was waiting for an L.A. city bus and cluelessly just jumped into a limo, like Owen Wilson in Midnight in Paris or DeBrie in Season 4 of Arrested Development.

I’m actually still unsure whether he even knows he’s on television.

7. Three times tonight, J.P. said, “Ohhhh, I like this limo” as women we’re climbing out of it. Classy, yes. Original, not quite.

8. Was I the only person wishing he would give a rose to Molly the Dog?

9. It took JFK’s assassination to make Walter Cronkite cry on national television. It took every single person in Episode 1 less than an hour.

10. Okay, seriously, I’m not off the Dog yet… she’s a contestant technically, right? Can he keep her and send the owner packing? It’s a legitimate question. There’s a good chance a Dog will steal your heart before any of these women would.

11. You‘re 23 years old and you were crying because you were dumped after one night split between 26 other women. You’re not allowed to cry over Juan Pablo if I’m not allowed to cry over Jennifer Aniston.

12. All of the women who were dumped had a better first half than Jameis Winston did on Monday night, and it turned out fine for him.

13. There was one Canadian. She got the very first rose and didn’t even want it. She said, “You serious? Sure.” She’s from Ottawa and her favourite movie is The Royal Tenenbaums. She’d be a total dud, but the fact she over-pronounces every word she says probably makes her a perfect fit for Juan Pablo, who absolutely doesn’t.

14. The girl from Ottawa has no tattoos. Well, duh.


16. Juan Pablo admitted that he had trouble remembering peoples’ names, and there were six women who came in with names starting with ‘C’. Four of them started with ‘Ch’.

Yeah, I actually feel bad for him.

17. A woman named Clare got out of the limo pretending to be pregnant. She revealed it was a joke, then told Juan Pablo she was going inside to “play” with some of the other women, i.e. freaking them out, too. Juan Pablo was definitely hearing the Kill Bill sirens.

18. On ABC’s official The Bachelor website, the bio asked Clare what her greatest achievement was to-date. She replied, “Owning my business and becoming “successful” in my own eyes.”

I don’t get it… why’d you put successful in quotations? Are you actually not sure?

19. My Mom’s name is Renee, so this freaks me out.

20. Juan Pablo plays up his accent, describes every woman’s problem like it’s nothing she should be worried about, and reminds people he dances and plays soccer whenever he gets the chance.

My God.

He got his entire playbook from Enrique Iglesias’s character in How I Met Your Mother